You deserve better

You held my hand tightly in your grasp

at my parents’, over dinner

with your smile so charming, you turned to me

and proudly exclaimed –

“how did i get so lucky? she’s the most beautiful thing.”

my sister widened her gaze, turned to me slowly, then said,

“i hope i’ll find a love like yours someday.”

i shivered, my insides quivered.

i smiled, and silently whispered,

“darling, please don’t –

you certainly deserve better” –

a line that i wish she had heard.

You put my arms around me

at our friends’, over dessert

You kissed my forehead,

and with your lips tender, you proudly exclaimed –

“I had never been happier,

than the day I found her. Marriage –

you guys should try it.”

i shivered, my insides quivered

i smiled, and silently whispered

“don’t ever fall into this trap,

don’t ever fall for the sweet words of a liar” –

a line that drowned in careless laughter.

You opened the door for me, in the parking lot of our first kiss,

after our midnight movie.

you turned on the engine, and waved to the mall guard

as we drove out into the dark.

i wished the journey was longer, i wished our house was further

down the road,

i wished i had the guts to open the door and jump out of your fancy car

i wished i had the courage to feel the pain from the friction of the tar

against my skin

adding on to the bruises and scars

i hid so well under my sleeves.

i shivered, my insides quivered

as the engine died, and we walked inside

into our house that never was a home.

You drew the curtains in our bedroom

while i sat at the edge of our bed, and watched you –

as you closed our bedroom door,

gently took off your clothes and left them on the floor

and then you grabbed me hard by the wrist, and the word gentle ceased to exist.

you were finally you again –

the strong, the dominant

the man behind the masquerade of affection

and i was finally me again –

the weak, the helpless

the girl whose voice

only came out as whispers.

Has anyone told you – how good you were with your aims?

you never missed your target.

i should know, i took blow after blow, arrow after arrow

that relentlessly came my way.

i wiped my face dry from the blood and tears

stared into the mirror

and wondered why after all these years

this heart that almost stopped because of you

still yearned for you… is that even possible?

logical, or rational?

i don’t know, and i suppose,

some things just aren’t meant

for us to fully comprehend

and i grew tired of trying to understand

you, or us, or anything at all.

and in the dead of the night – where the silence was deafening,

i heard a voice sing

a sweet melody, to the words

that once escaped my lips,

in the form of quiet whispers

now finding their way back

as haunting lyrics, into my ears.

“darling, please don’t –

you certainly deserve better”



Dhabitah Zainal, KL.

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