Blues of a 20-something

You ever feel that thing where you go from being in school, talking to your friends about anime and video games and then suddenly, you’re talking about love and how nobody has everything figured out. Then you look at your friend and realized he’s a freaking teacher. I mean, the bastard used to skip class and smoke in the goddamn toilet but he’s an English teacher now. And 12 years has passed.
Anyway, so, suddenly, you are 20-something, living with strangers. They smile as you come home, still it doesn’t feel like home. Nothing feels like home for quite a while now.

You’re in your 20’s and your mantra is whatever’s cheap. Luxury is choosing that 12 ringgit milk bottle over the 11 ringgit one. Luxury is naan cheese with extra cheese. Luxury is whatever coffee not brewed using your cheap Daiso dripper.

You’re in your 20’s and your mantra is whatever works (this applies to your relationships too, sadly). You haven’t changed the strings on your guitar for over 6 months. You don’t look at the descriptions when you buy your shampoo. Your jeans are fresh from the thrift store. You settle for your soul-sucking corporate job solely for the money.
But who cares,
You’re in your 20’s and your mantra is whatever.
You lock yourself in your room and stare at the laptop screen, telling yourself you should go out and you tell yourself you shouldn’t have when you do.
Whatever.
Your pornography is checking flight tickets to places you always wanted to travel to but never did because, you know, stuff. Money, circumstances, this, that; things you tell yourself to rationalize being too shit-scared to take a leap of faith.
Whatever.
You sit alone in some corner some nights and you step forward as you were called out. You scream your heart out on how afraid you are after seeing the world as it is and going crazy at night feeling so insignificantly small and then you wonder if anybody was even listening.
Whatever.
Your therapy are midnight thoughts wondering where everything went wrong. What happened to your dreams? Why is everything so loud and nothing is exciting? When will everyone stop asking about what you are doing with your life?
Whatever.
You’re in your 20’s and suddenly death is the most viable future plan. So you make your investments on keeping distances in hope it would pays off as teary faces at your funeral.
You’re in your 20’s and you think death is the most viable future plan.
You try to make a list on why it is not.
Here’s the list:
1 – The new season for Game of Thrones is coming out on April.
2 – …Lord, this is hard.
You’re in your 20’s and nothing excites you anymore the way it did just a few years ago.
You’re in your 20’s and you’re getting sick of cheap hotel rooms.
You’re in your 20’s and your friends are busy
You’re in your 20’s and the country is going down the shitter.
You’re in your 20’s and your dreams are slipping away.
You’re in your 20’s and everything is moving too fast
You’re in your 20’s and nothing is right
You’re in your 20’s and you don’t have stories of absent fathers, or broken family or whatever. But imagining yourself plunges from 20 stories high gives you more peace of mind than the stillness of your bedroom,
than the hum of your office computer,
than the taste of some cheap coffee,
than the thought of a perfect relationship,
than the dreams of being away from here
than the awkward silence at the end of this… poem?
There it is.
By,
Azizan Afi
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