25th Day of January

Everyday

I’ll lie to myself and convince others that Im alright

I’ll pretend to not cry at night 

I’ll pretend that I can still feel my heart beating 

That it is not in pieces since that day 

The 25th day of January 

I’ll pretend that the truth doesn’t torture me body mind and soul

The truth that 

I wont ever be the person you long for want or need 

I wont be the woman for you

I wont be good enough 

For you. 

So I’ll stand here 

In pieces

In torment of the longing 

To wake up in the middle of the night, roll to the other side and see you lying there by my side

To fall asleep with the lullaby of your heartbeat 

To hold your hand and walk along the crystal blue sea and white idyllic soft sand brushing between our toes 

And lie underneath the shinning moonlight and stare at the thousand stars 

We’ll share all of our dreams and aspirations 

To have you by my side when I hold my first born in my arms 

Crying and laughing drunk in happiness with you

Only you. 

To have you there every day of my life

Raising children

Making a house a home 

Our home.

We’ll grow to be the best version of each other

It’ll be us against the world 

You and me 

I long for all this. 

I long for you. 

I long for us 

And forgive me for being cold and distant 

For all I long for is killing me

I curse all the fluttery butterflies in my tummy everytime I see you

I die

Little by little inside 

Whenever I whiff and spot your scent among a hundred people 

Knowing that it is you

And you are there somewhere close to me

But God has better plans for both of us

You were to be with her

Even then 

I hope 

That one day beneath it all you would see that all I wanted to do was to

love you

But I am not the one capable of your love 

For your happiness lies with her 

Her love is more worthy than mine. 

I hope 

That one day she will lift the weight of the world of your shoulders that you’ve been carrying around the rest of your life 

She will make you feel secured and free 

She’ll firmly stand by your side and support you in all that you do 

When times get rough, she’ll be patient and understand that beneath all the pain and distance you portray

You needed

Her to hold you with assurance and remind you over and over again that you are not alone 

She’ll be the place you call home 

A place where you belong 

In each other’s love and embrace you will find the light of serenity and wisdom 

She’ll make you happy and contented everyday of your life 

She’ll give you things that I didn’t get the chance to give you 

And

She will love you 

Unconditionally 

And I’ll stand right here. 

If somehow someday you need me

Know that I’ll always be here

At the same spot

As the same person

With the same heart
By,

Nabilah Jasmine, KL.

  

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